I was reading through my RSS feeds this morning when I found a spectacularly awesome (read: insane and scary) website  called godhatesgoths.com. (Thank you MakeUseOf!)

According to the Rev. R.G. Green, “Goths are more dangerous to children than pedophiles.” Considering the fact that I have quite a few goth and loligoth friends, I needed to check out this very important and very timely warning. (And by ‘very important and very timely’, what I really mean is, ‘very dumb and very irresponsible’.)

The site goes on to say that “While all sub-cultures are inherently bad [!!!], goth is the worst of these sub-cultures.” Oh crap. I’m a member of so many sub-cultures! Am I inherently bad multiplied by the number of sub-cultures I belong to? I must be… Superbad!

Frightened by the state of my immortal soul, I checked his handy-dandy list of WHO might belong to this evil sub-culture:

1. Adolescents from all walks of life.
2. Many from middle to upper middle class families
3. Intelligent
Over or Under Achievers
Creative/Curious
Some are Rebellious
Some have low self esteem and are loners
Some children have been abused (physically or sexually)

Intelligent Over or Under Achievers? Adolescents from all walks of life? Loners? Creative and Curious people? I’M AT RISK OH NOES! (I also like how his list runs out of numbers at ’3′.)

Simply put, “Goth is an easy term to categorise the whorish dressing deviants that poison our world, the depressed kids who cut themselves and think its right, the abusive skaters, the long haired Satanists, Wiccan devil worshippers, the Nazi kids who shoot their classmates for amusement. All obsessed with death and the darker side of life and listen to similar musics. They are all Goths.” Abusive skaters!

He goes on to explain “why Goths are just as responsible for the Twin Towers attack, as those towel-headed cavemen  in Afghanastan [sic].”

He also says that the scourge of Goth proliferates:

1. Through Gothic and/or Black Heavy Metal Music
2. Through fantasy role playing games like Dungeons & Dragons
3. Obsession with movies, videos, which have occult themes
4. Collecting and reading/researching occult books
5. Involvement with “Satanic Cults”, through recruitment
6. Some are born into families who practice “satanic cult rituals”

Naturally, role-playing games were on that list. No wonder I’m a practicing chaos magician. Curse you Gary Gygax!

My favorite part of the entire site, though, is this list:

THE WARNING SIGNS

The following is a list of well known tell-tale signs that your child may be a Goth, or have fallen in with a bad Gothic element. If your child displays at least two or more of these symptoms, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is very dangerous. If these symptoms persist you child could be irrecoverably damaged for life. Not just mentally, but physically and emotionally too. If this continues, place your child into your local mental health center, and seek guidance from your local Baptist Church. If the psychiatrists can’t help, your child may need a full exorcism.

· Wears an unusual amount of black clothing. [Congratulations. You're a Goth.]
· Has piercings or tattoos.
· Wears a pentagram, inverted cross, or an ankh (an ancient Egyptian symbol used in Satanic Ba’al-worshipping rituals). [No, Ba'al had his own symbology. Get your facts ... oh wait, it's too late for that now.]
· Wears rock or heavy metal T-shirts.
· Listens to dangerous GOTH bands such as Marilyn Manson, Rammestein, or to other antisocial music (See our ‘Banned Music’ section for more information). [List includes the Eurythmics, David Bowie, and Def Leppard -- because the drummer only has one arm!]
· “Hangs out” with new friends. [Congratulations. You're a Goth.]
· Cross-dresses or wears eye-liner.
· Eats cockroaches/bugs/insects. [Congratulations, anteater, you're a Goth.]
· Demands an unusual amount of privacy. [Congratulations loners, you're a Goth.]
· Shows diminished interest in wholesome activities, such as church, prayer, and sports. [Which are the only activities approved by the God of Praying Quarterbacks.]
· Dyes his/her hair black/red/green. [Black oh noes!]
· Takes drugs. [Like Nyquil.]
· Shops at ‘Hot Topic’ [Oh noes!]
· Self-harms or mutilates their own body.
· Attempts to cut off a part of their own body. (ie. fingers/arm/leg)
· Attempts suicide
· Talks about suicide
· Burns or shits on the Holy Bible [!!!]
· Curses God’s name
· Owns a copy of the ‘Satanic Bible’ [Paging Anton LaVey...]
· Prays to Satan. [Dear Satan, give me some more bugs to eat, black heavy metal shirts to wear, and people to shoot.]
· Has friends who are losers. (ie. Doesn’t associate with Jocks, cheerleaders, preppies and other normal intelligent well-adjusted teenagers – the right sort of friends) [This is my FAVORITE part of the entire list.]
· Has bad personal hygene.
· Kills people for fun. [Um...]
· Stays up late at night. [MMORPG players I'm talking to you!]
· Drinks human blood.
· Is a vegan/vegetarian. (Goths go from one extreme to the other) [So... drinking blood is bad, abstaining from meat is also bad.]
· Watches MTV. [LEL!]
· Complains of headaches, boredom, nausea, stabbing pains or thirst. [Complains of boredom!]
· Is secretive.
· Spends large amounts of time alone.
· Spends large amounts of time with people you don’t know. [Because good children only hang out with people you know!]
· Shoots his/her classmates. [Well, no argument there sir.]
· “Forgets” to do chores, possibly because of drug or alcohol abuse. [Or because they're lazy teenagers.]
· Hears music which only sounds like noise, possibly because of drug or alcohol abuse. [Which sounds only like noise.]
· Uses a computer or the Internet. [GASP! You're reading this on the Internet!]
· Plays video games or role-playing games. [Mmm-hmm.]
· Has a ‘myspace’ account. [LEL we Satanists have moved on to Facebook, Twitter, and Plurk.]
· Reads science fiction or fantasy books. [Speculative fiction = Devil]
· Owns any movie by director ‘Tim Burton’ or ‘Peter Jackson’ [Lord of the Rings = Devil]
· Writes angry entries in a secret diary (you can usually find the diary easily if you search your child’s room). [So invade your child's privacy today!]
· Writes poetry.(you can usually find the poetry book easily if you search your child’s room) [Poetry = Devil]
· Has a ‘myspace’ account. (you can easily monitor your child’s net activity by checking their internet ‘history’) [Ahem.]
· Has friends who have retardations / mongolism / birth defects. [So don't let your kids hang out with retards and hairlips!]
· Pursues dangerous cult religions such as WICCA, SATANISM, PAGANISM.
· Owns a copy of ‘Mein Kampf’ [Like the public library.]
· Reads Anne Rice books. [It's Twilight now, sir.]
· Owns Nazi memorabilia.
· Has paranoid fantasies (many GOTHS accuse their parents of spying on them). [Because you just told them to read their diaries!]
· Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
· Drinks his/her own urine/excrement. [2 girls?]
· Drinks his/her friend’s urine/excrement. [1 cup?]
· Rapes a dog/cat.
· Wears fangs or dresses like a vampire.
· Owns an exessive amount of Horror movies.
· Sticks broken glass up his/her own anus. [Where does this guy hang out? Can I post it on YouTube?]
· Has friends who are Jews. [JEWS!]
· Hates Jews. (Goths go from one extreme to the other) [HATES JEWS!]
· Attacks random people in the street.
· Talks to himself/herself. [A survey showed that otaku are likely to be the kind of people who talk to themselves. ]
· Uses the blood of Christian babies to inscribe pentagrams or other symbols on churches and schools. [This is AWESOME.]
· Sleeps too much or too little.
· Eats too much or too little.
· Looks at pornography or otherwise shows interest in sex. [Oh noes SEX!]
· Is homosexual / bi-sexual
· Refuses to leave the house during daylight hours
· Refuses to eat any food containing garlic. [But I love garlic!]
· Masturbates over pictures of dead animals. [Oh MAN. I just... I need a breather here...]
· Summons the Devil or holds Satanic masses.
· Smokes dangerous drugs, such as marijuana / crack cocain.
· Reads Harry Potter books. (Your children can become possessed when reading Potter) [Possessed by the need to see Draco in leather pants!]
· Leaves syringes or other drug paraphernalia around the house.
· Mocks authority figures such as teachers, guidance counselors or Jesus.
· Dresses like everyday is Halloween. [Cosplayers!]
· Says, “I am a GOTH.” [DUH.]
· Wears a pin that says, “I am a GOTH.” [Double DUH.]
· Talks about going to GOTH clubs or parties.
· Asks for locks of hair from casual acquaintances.
· Sleeps in a coffin.
· Rapes small animals.
· Behaves in any unusual or alarming way. [The catch-all clause.]

To summarize: Goths, the worst sub-culture in all of sub-culturedom, are composed of Nazis and Jews, people who don’t hang out with Jocks and Cheerleaders, night-shifters, sci-fi and fantasy fans, cosplayers, loners, special-education teachers, poets, computer geeks, BL fans, anyone who has an IQ over 100, and anyone who has the temerity to have a social life outside of church or hometown sports games (because hanging out with people from out of town is Goth). Oh yeah, and lazy people too.

Basically, everyone Rev. Green doesn’t hang out with.

And they’re all going to HELL. Unless you can save them… before it’s too late.

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