The Symbol of Saturn, ballpoint pen on Post-it knockoff. 2009.

This is the last part of my Saturn Rite series. If you missed them, here’s Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3!

Week 4: All the three previous weeks combined.

As soon as midnight hit on Week 4 and the doors closed on sex, solid food, and entertainment, I realized that if Week 4 had been Week 1, I wouldn’t have finished, but because I had proven to myself on previous weeks that I could meet each one of these requirements on their own, it was less daunting to do them all at once.

That didn’t mean it wasn’t going to suck.

But I did know what to expect. Day 2 was going to be worse than Day 1, Day 3 worse than Day 2, and Day 4 worse than Day 3. The cravings would get worse and worse up to a certain point, and then begin to fall off on the fifth day.

So I endured. And I added two new conditions in case that wasn’t hardcore enough for me — I would perform a Saturn Hexagram rite once a day, and I would do 81 (3 x 3^3 — 3 being Saturn’s number) push-ups a day.

No, not cock push-ups.

The Saturn rite was easy — I’d become adept at the Hexagram rite before (from constant practice). It was just a matter of remembering to do it, and coming up with a proper invocation.

The push-ups, on the other hand, were another story. When I was in high school I was used to doing dozens, even hundreds of push-ups a day at the hands of wannabe drill sergeants who wanted to break my will and get me to quit so that someone they liked better would take my spot. (They couldn’t.) And under our progressively-minded Special Units commander under ROTC, the Medics (which I belonged to) and MPs trained along with the would-be officers.

But this was all over a decade ago. And even if I did go to the gym semi-regularly throughout the interim, there’s a difference between exercising at your own pace and having a sergeant yell in your ear while you’re doing it.

Not this guy though. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing most of the time. De arimasu.

Something I had known intellectually hit me as I was struggling through my third set of push-ups. Aside from governing death and limitation and time and so on, Saturn is the planet that governs things you don’t want to do, but have to do, especially because you said you would. Saturn is going to the dentist, or waking up on time to get to work.

I would finish my push-ups, and my rites, and my prohibition against solid food, sex, entertainment, and stimulants, precisely because I had to, not because it was fun, or enjoyable.

Saturn is the planet that governs finishing what you’ve started.

I am a chronic starter. People who know me very well know that I am overflowing with new ideas and new projects, always inspired to pursue some new goal.

But I don’t finish nearly as often as I start. And unlike my college days, I now have more money than I have time. No, my time is definitely limited and I felt that most strongly during Week 4. Even sitting around with ‘nothing to do’ I felt the steady march of Saturnine time slipping by.

This was my greatest flaw. I waste too much time hoping for something to happen, instead of sucking it up and making things happen for me. Saturn is the complementary planet of the Moon, just as Mars complements Venus, or Jupiter complements Mercury and vice versa. I was too much of a Lunatic — a dreamer, unstructured, moody — and not enough of a Saturnine — disciplined, determined.

I finally understood. No day but today.

When midnight of Week 4 hit, signaling the end of my Saturn rite, I enjoyed my return to normalcy. The week after the Rite, I let it all slip. I stayed up at all hours, ate all the food I wanted, indulged in all the diversions I’d missed.

But each pleasure I indulged in was tinged with Saturnine black now — everything has a price, and the dearest of these is Time. This doesn’t mean there is no place for dreaming, or celebration. Complements do not mean opposites — they are pairs that complete each other.

Now each Lunar Festival is all the more precious because it is transient, ephemeral, and fleeting. And each dark period of struggle and structure, of lock-step marching through the ice and snow is also temporary, book-ended by periods of celebration, of delirium, and of dreaming.

Now more than ever, I realize: There is much work to do, and not much time left to do it in. Focus. Concentrate. Push through the pain.

Hail Saturn, Titan lord of boundaries, of limitations, of time. Thank you for the blessing of your dark, harsh wisdom. Grant me the blessing of determination through hardship, persistence through adversity, endurance despite obstacles. Hail Saturn.

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