Otagonzo: Otaku Community Job Tree (or: The Enlightened Otaku’s Guide to Love)

by on Feb.04, 2011, under Otagonzo

The Otaku Community Job Tree, as formulated by an Enlightened Otaku. Give thanks for this boon of wisdom!

Romeo brought a very intriguing Otaku Community chart to my attention today, which piqued my interest. Very few things about the community pique my interest these days because everyone is acting so predictably.

(Which is my way of excusing the complete lack of activity on this blog for several months. How handy.)

Apparently everyone is acting so predictably, however, that some enterprising soul has drawn up what appears to be a Con Community Job Tree a la Final Fantasy Tactics. Part of me wants to kick myself for not thinking of making one myself. The other part of me points out that anyone who draws up a chart like this inevitably reveals just as much about their own biases and inclinations as they do about the actual community in question.

Take a look at it again.

Don’t you see what I mean? No? It’s clear as day to me just by looking at the chart.

Don't be pedantic, Holmes. Just walk us through it.

Don't be pedantic, Holmes. Just walk us through it.

Fine. Try to keep up, would you?

On this Job Tree, everyone starts out as a ‘Curious Congoer’, which I assume is the equivalent of the Squire job. The arrows leading away from that initial class, inexorably to the right, imply on one hand a form of evolution over a function of time, and an initial sorting process.

There are two endpoints to this evolutionary process, handily labeled in blue, implying good, and red, implying bad. Heaven is labeled ‘Enlightened Otaku’, and Hell is labeled ‘Community Cancer aka Crab People’. While some insight into what these designations mean can be gleaned from the terms themselves, the full picture can only be made clear by tracing the paths leading to these win/lose conditions.

The initial sorting process reveals five 1st Jobs: Capitalists, Fans, Jejemon Iskwater Hordes, Photographers, and Trolls. The person who formulated this chart immediately condemns Trolls because their arrows inexorably lead to Community Cancer. Trolls fall into Hell simply because they’re trolls.

Capitalists evolve into Entrepreneurs, who either become Otaku (presumably because they care about their product), or Conmen/Scammers, who are therefore Community Cancer.

The Jejemon Iskwater Hordes and Photographers appear to have more freedom in their evolution, but the choices they are given are false. In actuality these two classes have almost the exact same evolutionary paths, sharing the ability to become Otaku at best, Weeaboo Scum, or Perverts. Weeaboo Scum can at best only hope to be C0zZpLaYERzZsZ (which I can only assume is like being a Cosplayer, only lower-class). Otherwise, they devolve into Alodiatards, which is coincidentally the best Perverts can hope to become. Perverts who manage to widen their pervoscopes beyond just stalking Alodia at every con become Pervographers, preying on other nubile targets. It really doesn’t matter in the end, however, because Alodiatards and Pervographers are ultimately CANCER.

Photographers, however, have a shot at becoming Otaku, together with Fans, as long as they avoid becoming perverts. Here is where it gets interesting. Otaku can devolve into Weeaboo Scum (presumably if they can’t afford to buy original Nendroids or Mix-styles, or tickets to attend international cons). Otaku can also either be Cosplayers or Genuinely Into The Hobby, a very strange dichotomy that either reveals sloppiness of formulation or a mild bias against cosplayers.

Still with me? Good, because we’re about to start on COSPLAYERS.

The only advantage Cosplayers have over C0zZpLaYERzZsZ is that they have a shot at becoming Genuinely Into The Hobby. Otherwise, there are four CANCER traps awaiting them: Attention Whores, Underage/Jailbait (which made little sense to me considering we’re into CARTOONS, TOYS, COMICS, and GAMES until I reached certain conclusions about the psyche of the chart’s formulator), No Idea Who They’re Cosplaying, and Social Climbers.

Only the few who survive the gauntlet of pitfalls and traps and manage to be Genuinely Into The Hobby can be Enlightened Otaku, belonging to the ranks of the blessed.

There appears to be Enlightened Otaku saliva on these tea sets. Little do they know that these were made in China, not Japan. Weeaboos.

Based on the preceding facts, I have deduced the following:

1. The proponent of this Job Tree is at least lower-middle class and hopelessly bourgeoise, and therefore possesses the uncanny ability to condemn those beneath him in the ABCDE demographic scheme to the bowels of CANCER. This is because Jejemon have no way of redeeming themselves from the moment they are labeled Jejemon.

2. Note I referred to the creator of this chart as ‘he’. This is because the chart is undoubtedly formulated from a male perspective, because he reveals himself to be largely unable to relate to attractive cosplaying females as anything but objects. Note ‘Underage/Jailbait’. Where the other three ‘bad’ classifications can be unisex, ‘Underage/Jailbait’ is most commonly used to refer to girls who have not reached the age of majority.

3. There is, however, an escape clause for these cosplayers. Should she reveal herself to be into the same stuff he is, and is therefore Genuinely Into The Hobby, she can therefore eventually be Enlightened.

4. This is an important turning point for the prospective Worthy Cosplayer, because the chart’s author also considers himself Enlightened.

Among the benefits of being an Enlightened Otaku: Access to the Avatar State

From these deductions, we can reach a conclusion about the author and the chart itself:

Whatever its author intended this chart to be, it is actually a roadmap for potentially-worthy Girlfriends for self-proclaimed Enlightened Otaku (read: pretentious geeks) and the CANCER Jerks who may steal her along the way.

Let me demonstrate.

Boy is an Enlightened Otaku looking for love. He spies an attractive Curious Congoer/Otaku. First he checks to see if she meets the minimum required social class. This he does by visual inspection and by checking her command of the English language. If she fails, she is a Jejemon Iskwater Hordie and is therefore CANCER.

Having ascertained her economic worthiness, Enlightened Otaku notes his rivals: Rich Business Owner with Lots of Toys, Pervy Photographer, or Troll. He takes Otaku Girl aside, and after initiating her into the Otaku mysteries, tells her that Rich Business Owner With Lots of Toys is a Conman/Scammer. He accuses Photographer of being a Pervert/Pervographer, and simply calls out Troll for being a Troll. Naturally Girl should avoid these males because they are CANCER.

He then begins to talk to her incessantly about his hobby. If she is interested, she is Genuinely Into The Hobby and is a prospective Enlightened Otaku love match. More often, however, she is uninterested in his fandom and is into her own thing (making her Weeaboo Scum) or is a Cosplayer. Cosplayers can be educated into becoming Genuinely Into The Hobby. If they persist in being uninterested in Enlightened Otaku’s selected fandom, they are dismissed as being Attention Whores, Having No Idea Who They’re Cosplaying, or Social Climbers.

Underage/Jailbait is a special class. If she’s into Enlightened Otaku’s hobby, she’s ok. If she isn’t, she’s CANCER. The double standard of the Enlightened Otaku.

(The Enlightened Otaku has long since given up on winning Alodia’s heart, mostly because she’s surrounded by so many Jejemon Iskwaters, Weeaboo Scum, Photographers, Con Men, Scammers, and Perverts.)

Q.E.D.

So. Thank you, whoever is responsible for this chart, for letting us have such an intimate peek into your subconscious. Maybe if you keep at it, you’ll get that peepee touch you’ve been wanting all this time. Then maybe we’ll find out what Enlightened Otaku become when they grow up.

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